I attended a live show with Oprah Winfrey a few years ago. She talked for almost three hours, imparting many life lessons and vibrant wisdom. One time, Stevie Wonder asked her to help out on a project he was coordinating. She was very busy with other priorities but didn’t want to let her friend down or be thought of as a bad person.
After days of hand-wringing, she called Stevie Wonder back and said that she couldn’t assist him at this time. She expected the worst. What was the response? A simple ‘no problem’ from the singer. Oprah explained to the 10,000-strong audience that that was the day she learned that ‘no’ is a complete sentence.
If Oprah finds it difficult to say no then it can feel downright impossible for us mere mortals. We all know that if you do not learn to say ‘no’, then you are saying ‘yes’ to someone else’s agenda and ‘no’ to yourself. But when we are in the real world the boundary-setter often gets overruled by the people-pleaser in us.
If you take nothing from today except for this, appreciate that you can still be a lovely person and say no. Author, researcher and TED speaker, Brené Brown says: “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” She goes on to say that she has not ever regretted increasing boundaries or a single no.
Where to start? Here are three ways to say no…
1) The Policy ‘No’
When any potential tenant asked about whether my rental allowed pets, I learned to say, “Sorry, pets are against the rental policy”. People respect policies, even ones you have made up yourself.
Practice or adapt these sentences to find your favorite:
- “Sorry it is not my policy to do (such and such).”
- “Unfortunately the policy does not allow that.”
- “The policy prevents that from happening.”
Why this is great: You just said ‘no’ without actually saying no!
2) The Extremely Polite ‘No’
Do you find yourself saying ‘yes’ to that school committee meeting and missing out on watching your kid’s football game? Did you somehow agree to organize that workshop for your boss after hours which meant skipping yoga class, again? Agreed to a night out when all you want to do is curl up with a good book?
Is this just me?
An extremely polite ‘no’ needs to be injected, stat!
Practice or adapt these sentences to find your favorite:
- “Sounds wonderful, but that is not part of my work focus right now.”
- “Sorry but my current commitments mean I cannot take that on.”
- “It sounds amazing but I wouldn’t be able to give that the attention it deserves.”
Why this is great: An extremely polite ‘no’ stops people in their tracks. It is hard to argue in the face of extreme politeness. There is very little they can do except move onto the next person.
3) The Diversion ‘No’
I am sorry-not-sorry that I keep a paper diary for all my appointments and scheduled events. Over the years I have tried using online calendars and they do not work for me so instead I have full-heartedly embraced this old-fashioned practice.
An unexpected benefit is that I actually don’t know what my schedule looks like unless I am staring at my diary that lives on my writing desk at home. I have inadvertently evoked the diversion ‘no’. When I am out and someone asks me if I can attend something or do something on a particular date, I tell them I will have to check my diary when I get home and get back to them.
Practice or adapt these sentences to find your favorite:
- “Let me check my diary and I will come back to you.”
- “I can’t help you right now but I can schedule it after X date.”
- “Connor in accounts would be the best help for that.”
Why this is great: The diversion ‘no’ gives you a buffer, a soft no. It provides time to think and assess before responding. Just make sure you do reply promptly, whether in the affirmative or negative.
No is a Complete Sentence
Even though, as Oprah says, ‘no’ is a complete sentence, it is rare to just say ‘no’. The only times I find that easy are when my children ask me for something ridiculous like if they can drive the car. Then a simple “Nope!” is sufficient.
These ways to say no – via policy, extreme politeness or diversion – are not the only methods but they are a great way to start a practice of saying no.
Bring to mind why you are doing this. You want to craft a life you love, that works for you. Remember that you never want to offer a begrudging ‘yes’ when your gut is saying ‘no’. Author and entrepreneur, Derek Sivers, says, “If you’re not saying ‘heck yeah’ about something, say ‘no’.” Don’t you want more ‘heck yeah’ moments in your life?
Saying ‘no’ is so important I have added sections about it in not 1, not 2 but a whopping 5 of my books!
Like the Brené Brown quote? You may enjoy a blog post I wrote about her books: 3 Paradoxical Takeaways from Brené Brown’s Books
Leave a Reply